Love & Mary Jane – On Dating Potheads

In this series we interview couples from around the world, and share some of their insights about how they feel cannabis is a significant part of their relationship.

“I did not always date potheads. I used to think people who smoked pot were of that hazy, lazy, stupid vibe. In high school, a boy I dated started smoking pot and it ruined everything. He would become paranoid and dim-witted, so boring to hang out with! The crowd at college taught me differently.

In gatherings as large as 15, scholarship scoring, honor-roll type students passed around bubblers and joints in walkways and dorm rooms at all hours. The guy who lived across the hall had friends coming by after chemistry and econ with a pocketful of Blue Dream or Juicy Fruit to add to the mix. They marveled at Planet Earth episodes, danced to GirlTalk, plotted career moves, business ventures, adventures. It was the antithesis of the burnout stereotype, an excitingly seductive atmosphere of nerdy bad boys, if that is your thing.

X and I met as part of that college pothead crew. He got me a job on campus, and was one of the few to come to the gym near midnight. He’d come in while I was running and we’d watch Anthony Bourdain together.

We have a story looking back but truthfully, we hardly interacted much. We really met years later, when I happened to move in to an apartment close to his. A mutual friend invited us both out one night, and as they say, sparks flew. I have countless memories from that summer of us at concert and plays, out for dinner and drinks, smoking joints on rooftops and backyards, laughing and flirting and talking into the late night.

It’s an interesting question, the role that pot plays in our relationship. It’s of course a mutual hobby and interest; we share a supply and buy in bulk. I view it as something that adds to the enjoyment and improvement of our lives, a positive factor as as much as exercising and eating well. We smoke about 1/8 a week each, which may be a lot for someone who doesn’t smoke, but isn’t considered a lot by someone who smokes consistently. I’ve dated both weed enjoyers and non-partakers and can confidently say that X and mine’s mutual fondness for weed is not what is keeping us in love.

If I’m being honest, however, I have to admit that pot has at times caused tension in our relationship. For one, our highs are very different. I become very energetic and he becomes more retrospective and relaxed – very low energy. Sometimes we fight because I’ll want to be social, and he just wants to hold my hand quietly enjoying without engaging with every new person we encounter.

Another tension is the fact that I mostly hide my weed smoking. I’ve been smoking pot for nearly a decade and only my sister, a few cousins, and very close friends know. I never told anyone at grad school, no one at work knows, and I dread the day that my dad finds out. But with X, everyone in his extended family knows about his affinity for the green herb, even his grandparents. His works knows too; his weed guy even delivers to his office. Sometimes I worry about him interacting with people in my life, as though my secret might come out. It’s a topic that comes easily to mind, and thus has to be restrained and filtered.

I wish weed wasn’t so stigmatized, and that people were more open to understanding all the different effects it can have on a person. I was so embarrassed that my boyfriend smoked weed in high school that I never told my parents the reason why we broke up. I sulked and cried and let me them think I was heartbroken because he cheated on me. After all, choosing Mary Jane over me felt like betrayal. Back then, I cut my hair short and vowed to never date again date a pothead.

Oh, the sweet irony.”

In Alphabet City /

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